mE

life's cruelty.

2008-02-24T10:27:00.002+08:00

How often do people's life cross? How often does fate help create opportunities? How often do you feel comfortable with someone? How long more do i have to feel this way?

Girls, cruel

2008-02-23T20:33:00.002+08:00

She asked him to call, he called, everytime without fail, he'll call. he'll spend hours on the phone just to keep her accompanied. He never fail to reply her messages, even though he was busy. He never ignored her.

But when she doesn't need him, when he needs the attention, he's being brushed aside.

It's such a fair world, isn't it?

breakfast by the beach

2008-01-29T00:00:00.000+08:00

I remember saying I was enjoying life when I had my breakfast by the beach. And here I am again. It's hard not to think so much. Every other thing I do involves that certain someone.

depression

2008-01-27T17:05:00.000+08:00

i've actually stopped writing, and i didn't intend to continue writing. but for the past few days with all these things happening, it's just too hard to even try to cope. please get out of your depression and stop ignoring. it hurts big time.

what can you do when all communication channels are deliberately closed? no IMs, no SMSes, no phonecalls. it hurts even more.

the ride

2008-01-23T08:45:00.000+08:00

It is by far the most uncertain ride. The rollercoaster just won't seem to stop. It has been going on and on for god knows how long. It saps one's energy as fast as it decend, and it takes as fast to build up one's enthusiasm. Ups and downs, dizzy-fying spins, unending loops. To add to the uncertainty, the track changes every other minute. Prediction and anticipation are words that do not exist in this ride.

I like it, You See, but I am way getting a lil tired riding this. Is there any kind of indication that I can use?

Cinta Hello Kitty

2007-10-10T09:50:00.001+08:00

Runway of Inspiration

2007-10-05T15:12:00.000+08:00

the red stallion

2007-05-14T22:33:00.000+08:00

zeus' artwork

2007-05-12T10:52:00.000+08:00

melinda looi

2007-05-04T09:49:00.000+08:00

PCfair 1 2007

2007-04-22T22:22:00.000+08:00

lightning

2007-03-21T18:11:00.000+08:00

a very busy weekend

2007-03-18T00:12:00.000+08:00

An eventful Saturday. It was NOT about ING Renault at KLCC...

Nor was it about the new Honda CRV roadshow at MidValley

Neither this...

nor this...

But it was about these people :)

And a consolation for a bad day..

a visit to an expensive place

2007-03-14T23:51:00.000+08:00

dances with lions

2007-02-26T09:53:00.000+08:00

*this post is dedicated to FWL who miss lion dances.

Japenese Carnival @ MMU

2007-02-14T13:55:00.000+08:00

There was this carnival of japan at mmu and i was so excited about it. mention japanese carnival, the things that flooded my mind are RACE QUEENS, COSPLAY, GUNDAM figurines, AV QUEENS, and HOT KIMONO GIRLS. And there you go, my shooting opportunities.

I knew I expected too much from it. But hey, at least if one of those things is really hot, it would at least satisfy me a lil bit.

BUT the event was not at all interesting. The mood, the environment, the "feel" was not there. Anyway, this is a glimpse of the event.

As usual, my favourite shoots - still objects.

Tried to shoot these girls.. but they were not comfortable with my camera...
too big?
too near?
-.-

Yea, so.. this is what japanese carnival at mmu is all about... sigh...

梁静茹 - 別人的天長地久

2007-01-28T10:30:00.000+08:00

一闪而过回声轰隆

电光石火摩擦心痛

一瞬间加速度坠落在寂寞公路

哪里找我的梦被偷的梦

偷偷的逃走不见了

一无所有了一辈子晃晃悠悠

你说的一天不够不够你爱我

不够长不够久

你要的为爱而活怎么忘了我

好羡慕你能拥有别人的天长地久

一笑而过爱恨酸楚回忆的毒

开满罂粟飙着泪的光速一个人栽进孤独

摇曳点一盏灯点亮萤火远远的

飞走了熄灭了蠢蠢欲动

在风中留一个梦

你说的一天不够不够你爱我

不够长不够久

你要的为爱而活怎么忘了我

好羡慕你能拥有别人的天长地久

a very emo post

2007-01-27T17:13:00.000+08:00

end of a chapter.

2007-01-27T00:13:00.000+08:00

it has been a very long journey, kj. looking back at those 3 months, it seems so short. things have been a roller coaster ride for you, but i'm sure you have enjoyed all 3 months of it. fifteen weeks is not a short time. many things happened for the past fifteen weeks and i know very well that's how you walk your life.

you took time to foster relationship with strangers,
you took time to be friends with strangers,
you took time to get use to the different environment,
and you had your fair share of life's greatest challenge; your own emotions.

the people you've met so far, rach, magi and so, are the ones you were closest with. they were there to share your lunch, they were there to carry out the assignments, they were there when you marched to the pantry together, they were there to label people dwarf, sin, 70's, snow white, and big head. they were the people you felt most comfortable with.

i know you enjoyed having lunch together in the office. i know you didn't mind at all helping them ta pao... i know you were very generous with most of the things. i know you helped them as much as you could. but things will not be the same anymore. there's no more turning back.

so was the quiet fella at first. but he wasn't quiet for long. a few hours after being there, you guys started to talk about him. how you laughed at his shark fin-like hair, how he joked about his hair, and how convincing his lies and craps are. that guy from malacca was the fun of the team, and i know you enjoyed his company as well as his lies.

magi was the popular girl. everyone knows her. regardless to say, you guys became talkative friends. from the spoonkeeper to the rubber-band keeper to the plastic-bag keeper, she gets the most attention from everyone. though you had some trouble with her, i'm sure you can put that behind now, coz i know you are missing your training environment already.

rachel, oh what can i say about that sweet, outgoing girl. she was the one who opened you up to everyone, she was the one who made you an extrovert. and she was your motivation to work. and she was the person you felt most comfortable with. i know there are things that you are suppressing, i know there are things left untold, and questions left unanswered. chances are, you might not find someone as nice as her again. so you'll need to get used with the emptiness right now. you've been through emotions so intense, and i know it will take awhile for you to get used to her absence, if you get used to at all.

the dinners that you made for them, i know it was your way of opening up to them. the trouble you took to prepare dishes that suits everyone, the effort you put in ensuring everyone has their meal, the heart that you put in to make a successful dinner, all those will be kept close to your heart. food is life's greatest pleasure, and i know you'd want them to have nice, balanced meal instead of food full of MSG and oil.

all of those things, all of them, will never be the same anymore. you're no longer with them. it will be hard to meet up again. it will be the last four months for you to appreciate your friendship with them. hopes and dreams might not come true at the end. but do take pride that you have experienced it, and you've kept hoping, kept your dreams close to your heart, and kept your head clear most of the time.

i know you didnt mean to be rude to your superiors most of the time. but you should always keep your temper in check. you'll surely remember chew as a carefree but strict supervisor, friendly and fun at times. you'll surely remember jeremy for his interest in photography, his gentleman looks, and that certain air of classiness around him. as for lim, you'll remember him for his playfulness and his spontaneous reactions whether at work or during sports. kok will be remembered because you and him have common interests, guitars and the man of steel. vishnu, the fast talking guy with his never ending tasks and assignments (and his need of yun nam hair care), while tham, the quiet, yet playful fella which developed quite a few programmes for your use in squishy squashy swooshy. you will remember lau as your immediate supervisor that throws you tonnes and tonnes of tasks and assignments. as for tze fu, surely you'll remember him for his 'old' looks and his reluctance to describe what a gynaecologist is to lau.

even though those who you are not really close with, kiwi, mike, kityoong, xiantai, kenyi, cy, ann, senghow, theresa, serene, and the rest of them, i know you would still remember them for their cheerfulness in the office. i know given the chance, you would wanna spend more time with them, and get to know them better.

it has come to an end. you've reached the destination that you are reluctant to reach. you have no choice, but to walk on another route, embark on another journey. i know you are sad for the sudden lost of colleagues, team mates and partner, but i know you'll be just fine. you should keep your memories, but move on with your life.

i hope all things go well for everyone. if there is one thing i regret during this training, it would be not being brave enough, and not fully appreciate the time i had. i'll miss those time dearly.

to you, berry.

2007-01-24T11:39:00.000+08:00

I wanna write you something but I don't know where to start. There are things I wanna tell, and there are things I wanna know. Let me just start anywhere, go anywhere, and stop anywhere.

I appreciate you talking to me when I feel awkward at first. Otherwise, I wouldn't have opened up so much to you if not for your conversation. I'm not those type that simply clicks with people but you managed to get to me. And that, I have to say thank you. Otherwise, I wouldn't have a great time here.

The past three months have been very very nice to me. I enjoy coming to work everyday just to catch up with you. Things were nice when you were attentive to me. I liked your attention alot. I liked it when you asked me stuff. I liked it when you asked for my help. I liked it when you want me to correct your English. I really do. You don't have to thank me for all the favours, coz the pleasure is really mine. I would try my best to do anything, as long as I have you attention.

The things with going over to your place whenever 70's or sin come, I wouldn't have mind at all. It would mean that somehow or other, I am your comfort zone at work. And I enjoyed being it. The jokes we shared, the funny mistakes you've made! haha and I still remember you slipping on your high heels, installing a program without unzipping it, choking on water, and all those funny stuff you did!

When you shared your thoughts bout your roomie with me, I was so concerned that it would really hurt you bad. But when you said you've moved on with it, I realized how big a heart you have. And how shallow I am compared to you. I'm glad things are fine between you and your roomie. I never thought after what she said, you'd still forgive her. I'm glad things turned out this way. Well, that was the only thing you've shared with me, I think. It's hard to get you tell things to me. You either tell it half way, or never wanna tell at all. Even though I am curious, I wouldn't press you too much on it, coz I don't want you to get irritated and frustrated and stuff like that. One of the things that I'm still curious at is, the sudden apology that you made. For no reason at all, you said sorry. I do wanna know the reason, and hope you'll tell me soon enough.

Looking at your pictures, it makes me feel like i'm there as well. It cheers me up. It makes me smile. But, sometimes, I can get a lil bit sad, coz I know very well that you are enjoying every bit of it, while I am on the other side of the world sulking at my own life. (sulking - feeling of displeasure, complaining) hahah I shouldn't use words that you seldom use. But I don't know what other words to use. Coming back to my point, you are the cheery cherry, pretty berry, which makes me smile even though you've never realized it. Going out with you, seeing you so cheerful, lightens me up alot. I've really enjoyed everytime we had the chance to go out together. Otherwise, I wouldn't know what cheerfulness meant. And not forgetting dining at my place, those tomyam dinner, spaghetti dinner, and the soup noodles that I cooked just for you. I enjoyed every moment of it.

So come to the part when you are sad. I don't wanna bring up your sad stuff again, but I feel so helpless when you feel sad. I can never give you that comforting hug when you are sad. I can never wipe your tears off whenever you cry. All I can do is, just sit here, and look from afar, and being disappointed at myself for being so helpless. When you had that problem with your roomie, all I could do was listen. I don't think I have been much of a help. When you had that problem about "that-attractive-girl-that-everyone-liked", I couldn't do much. I hated those who were irrational, those who keep pointing fingers at the wrong people just to side her. But what can I do to change the situation? I couldn't comfort or console you, I couldn't make people understand that the fault was not your's. All I did was just look at you cry, and passing tissue paper to you :( how more useless can I be? Oh and I remember there were times when you were in "pain". All I could do was, to look at you from here. I feel so helpless that I couldn't do more. I wanna do more, but I am not sure if that's what you wanted.

After this week, I am sure we'll drift further apart. I am positively sure you'll forget me soon enough. But the thing is, I am not sure why. After that weird apology, I feel... that I'm being brushed aside. I feel that you are slowly ignoring me. For what reason, I have no idea at all. And I feel that your apology, your sorry, was for the decision to do this to me. I am not asking for anything more. I am lost myself. I know what I want in life. But it seem so hard to reach. I know things that I wanna achieve, and I am trying very hard to achieve it. But it seem impossible to get. My dreams, my ambitions, my hopes, I've lost all of them, in just a few days.

There is nothing more for me to say after this. I have no idea what else to do, what else to say. It will be a while before I start to pick myself up again. It would take maybe days? maybe months? I have no plans for now. I have lost the will to carry on. I am trying to get used to your cold shoulder. And I hope, I really do hope, whatever you do in the future, you'll be happy with your life. After this week, I am no longer your comfort zone in office. I hope things will be better for me. I don't wanna live this way. And I sincerely hope that you will always be the cheery berry. Take care.

To Be With You

Hold on little girl
Show me what he's done to you
Stand up little girl
A broken heart can't be that bad
When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
So come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Build up your confidence
So you can be on top for once
wake up who cares about
Little boys that talk too much
I've seen it all go down
Your game of love was all rained out
So come on baby, come on over
Let me be the one to hold you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

Why be alone when we can be together baby
You can make my life worthwhile
And I can make you start to smile

When it's through, it's through
Fate will twist the both of you
Come on baby come on over
Let me be the one to show you

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

just to be the next to be with

I'm the one who wants to be with you
Deep inside I hope you feel it too
Waited on a line of greens and blues
Just to be the next to be with you

just to be the next to be with you

what happened?

2007-01-23T14:28:00.001+08:00

what happened to the days we talked endlessly?
what happened to the things that made me feel so appreciated?
what happened to the attention that i used to get from you?
what went wrong along the road?
what's it that made me feel so bad these few days?
what's affecting me?
why am i feeling this right now?
have you realized something?
or am i just...
too blind to realize?

more than superman

2007-01-22T14:11:00.001+08:00

he's always there, waiting to help.
he's always there, committing himself to things he believes in.
he's always there, hoping that one day would come.

as far as i can remember, he's always there when people needed him...
when a speeding bullet need to be stopped;
when a speeding train need to be lifted to other tracks before it derails;
when an plane full of passengers need to be saved before it crashes;
when anyone calls for his help.

but what does he get in return? he wants to be recognized, not for his helpfulness, but for the heart he put in.

but sad to say, that day never will ever come. people will always take him for granted, his helps will be forgotten the moment "thank you" is uttered.

he'll never be remembered for his helpfulness.
he'll never be remembered for the mess he cleaned up.
he'll never be remembered for the small lil things he did for her.

instead,

he'll be remembered as a walking dictionary, as a helper, as a busy body, and sad to say, just a colleague.

it's been a long long long journey, but he still haven't get what he wants...

i wanna be... more than the man of steel. i wanna feel... more than this.

the girl who brings joy

2007-01-08T21:29:00.000+08:00

ah ma's death anniversary

2006-12-25T20:52:00.000+08:00

ah ma's death anniversary

it was nice to see them back at home. the first indication that they has aged is the increasing gap between her teeth, and he is not as strong as previously. i really enjoyed my time at home, even though it was just for a few days.

the vertical scar on the middle of his chest reminded me of how volatile we humans are, and even though i dislike his comparisons between my cousins and i, i am still glad that he is around and well.

her hair, the grey strands of hair shows how much she has aged. i hope things are getting on well for all of them at home.

i am thankful for the ride back to kl. and i am grateful i was home for the weekend.

random pics

2006-12-21T20:46:00.000+08:00

#1

#2

#3

#4

:)

2006-12-20T22:53:00.000+08:00

thanks corine for the signature :) you were helpful and nice and cantik and baik and kind to help me. *note the past tense ya!

:)

2006-12-19T15:03:00.000+08:00

he slept...

2006-12-08T11:14:00.000+08:00

he waited for her at the ice cream parlour, at least to get a glimpse of her...

but she never turned up...

so he spent the night in the ice cream parlour...

hoping to see her when he wakes up...

but no...

all he saw was a grim...

cloudy morning...

the ice-cream parlour... again...

2006-11-30T22:09:00.000+08:00

she was looking for him at the ice-cream parlour last night, but he wasn't there...

the ice-cream parlour

2006-11-25T21:14:00.000+08:00

she was not there. he looked around, hoping to find her seated at somewhere unfamiliar. but he could not find her anywhere in the ice-cream parlour.

fate drew two strangers together when they stepped into the same college two months ago. they instantly clicked the moment they introduced themselves. their conversations spanned for hours everyday. they were inseparable. they have their meals together everyday and they never grew bored of the same food. they studied together at the library, and they were always together in college. he enjoyed her company more than anything else. as days passed, he became closer to her. soon enough, he began to like her. his feelings for her became intense, but he had never spill it to her. his reason; she already has a guy, and he is unsure about her feelings towards him.

perhaps their interest in food drew them close. perhaps it was her sweet smile which attracted him. perhaps he was simply comfortable with her around. perhaps it was because they share the same liking for ice-cream...

everyday, after college, they'd drop by the ice-cream parlour to have their favourite ice-cream. and there, they would share their thoughts, their secrets, their worries, their life. they spent hours and hours talking about everything. from small petty matters, to big important decisions and problems. she would often talk about her worries, her friends, and her problems with her friends. and he would listen. once in a while he would voice his concerns when he sensed something was wrong. yes, it all took place in the ice-cream parlour. perhaps it was the ice-cream that made him so relaxed. but it was her presence that melted his heart. perhaps it was the blueberry which made the ice-cream extra sweet. but her smile was even sweeter to him.

so every evening, rain or shine, he would look forward to meet her at the ice-cream parlour. he did not mind getting soaked in the rain just to get to there. he did not mind skipping his weekly workout to meet her. he did not let the traffic jam to be an excuse for not meeting her. he did not care for the accident he almost got into when rushing to meet her. as long as, the way he put it; they have their time together.

this went on for almost a month.. but things began to take a turn lately.. their conversation became shorter. they were seldom together at college. even though they were still close to each other, he began to feel the gap between them. their time at the ice-cream parlour became just a brief conversation, and they no longer have their ice-cream as often. she was preoccupied with something else. she was busy, busy with her guy. he felt that she was beginning to brush him aside. he was no longer close to her. she is becoming a stranger.

it have been a week since he last sat down at the ice-cream parlour for more than fifteen minutes. the ice-creams no longer interest him. he didn't even notice there were new varieties of yogurt ice-creams. he did not even notice his ice-cream melt. and for the past week, he left his ice-cream untouched. what seemed like a fun-fare with bright neons and bling-blings became a place where he sulk on his own disappointment.

the ice-cream parlour stopped serving sweet ice-creams since then. it began to serve bitter, hard to swallow reality.

p/s i am in no mood to write good english today :)

a death, on their day.

2006-11-22T21:42:00.000+08:00

today is the big day for them. after being separated for longer than she expected, they finally got back together. it's their reunion. it's their day. it's their everything they could ever hope for.

and today, green with envy, he turned into the green-eyed monster. he was torturing himself more than he can take. being a sour grape would be an understatement to him. he is more than a sore loser. tonight, he couldn't swallow his pride and do nothing about it.

the only place for him tonight is on his very own corner. undisturbed and unseen, it is the only place he felt comfortable when he is stuck. the place where he tortures himself with his own hurtful thoughts. the only place where he finds solace amidst his own anger and depression.

there and then, thoughts began to flash through his mind. wild imagination and hurtful truths fill his mind. within minutes, he began to feel the disappointment building up within. his throat choking, he began to pen down his thoughts. he wrote in stanzas, in paragraphs, in phrases, in forms which belittles grammar.

he began to wander off in his thoughts. his fingers still moving deftly, unmoved by his own thoughts. on a paragraph, he wrote,

"what are you doing today? are you looking at the birds chirping happily across the silver-white clouds? or are you already lying on the meadow whispering things unheard to others to his ears? what are your adventures today? traveling with him to the mountains, enjoying the scenery at the peak? exploring the dark, damp caves with pure excitement and filled with adrenaline? or are you caught in his arms on the blueberry bushes?"

he became bitter. his thoughts are poisoning him and he began to scribble. the walls became his canvas. he began to paint by pouring his emotions onto the canvas. his scribbles unrecognizable. his pen-strokes messed up. he was no longer expressing, he was no longer thinking. he became an uncontrollable monster. his own thoughts, his emotions, his feelings became his master.

it was already dawn when he stop. he was satisfied with his masterpiece. very much indeed. he knew it was time for him to free himself from the emotions. he knew he needed to take control of himself again.

a death, on their day.

the walls were filled with scribbles that nobody can possibly understand. but in his anger and agony, he wrote;

"if only i can be by your side, unseen by him,
if only i can be with you, unnoticed by him,
if only i can touch your heart, unfelt by him.

if only... you saw,
if only... you noticed,
if only... you felt... Me."

give up, move on...

2006-11-21T17:36:00.000+08:00

sometimes people will need to give up on their dreams, and learn to deal with it later on. choices that we humans make are not necessarily correct. nobody can dictate which road we should travel. and with every choices made, there'll be risks and consequences. to weigh the pros and cons would be a difficult task. the same goes to the risks. how would i face those consequences? how would i face myself in the future?

regrets. there'll certainly be regrets later on. regret because i wouldn't do anything. regret because i couldn't take the risk. regret because i am who i am today. disappointing it may seem, i'm learning to let go of things. i am, sadly, giving up. i feel.. there is no hope for me. and the best i can be is someone who is by her side, but unable to wrap her in my arms.

this might be a hasty decision, but i can't see the point continuing. the sleepless nights, the commitment i'm putting in, the effort, the best personality i can possibly put up with, and the never ending trying to impress her. it seem.. so not me for now. should i be who i am, being comfortable with myself? or should i be taking care of her feelings, her needs, more than mine? this is a question i am unable to answer for now. but.. i am growing tired of all these things. i need a breather. i am sorry, Me.

the rain

2006-11-19T23:49:00.000+08:00

almost everyone would prefer a clear day compared to a rainy day. it has been raining for a few days and i've either heard or read that most of my friends are cursing the rain. i, however, prefer rainy days. it gets very.. nostalgic.. full of emotions and feelings. more often than not, the rain soothes my feelings a lil bit. somehow it calms me down, and the sight of lightning fascinates me.

the rain reminds me of things which i can never forget. never ever. the earliest memory of the rain which i have is when i was still in my kampung. my bro and i were playing in the rain, and my neighbour's daughter caught us playing and told our parents about it. what happened next, i've forgot. but i still remember the fun of playing in the rain with him. and we were ignorant about lightning strikes and fever and illness and whatever rain related mishaps. things have changed now. i no longer live in the kampung.. my neighbour, that particular pak-pak passed away a few years back.. and the thing which changed most is, i'm no longer close to him..

scouting, friendship, and the rain. it would be easy to relate scouting and friendship, but how do those two relate to the rain? simple. put scouting and friendship under the rain! yes, the rain reminds me of them as well. whenever it rains, we would have to sum up all our energy to dig the drain. otherwise, the tent will flood. there were a few times that the drain was not complete, and i remember only once that the drain i dig worked. then came this so called 'bridge' project. one of our activity in scouting was to build a bridge across burmese pool (burmese pool is not a pool, but a stream instead). yea, it was hard work, really hard work to build a bamboo bridge in a stream. yes, it was raining as well. that's what made it so memorable. the result? the bridge was never up. but the fun part was getting soaked in the stream for one whole day with my friends. another occasion that i remember is one of my friend's birthday. yea. it was drizzling, if not raining. we went out for dinner at KFC, walked around town like nobody's business, and forced one of my friend to a haircut which he hated! and that all happened while it was raining. as much as my childhood has changed, all these has changed as well.. i am no longer a scout.. so i no longer dig drains and build bridges that are better off unbuilt. i am no longer close to my friends.. and i no longer attend parties that i've enjoyed and felt so comfortable with previously.

then came the big 'crush' thing. i still remember the brief evening walks which we had, up to the big water tank at our housing area. i still remember she, looking forward to a clear evening just to find it raining in the end. i still remember the fear that she felt when she was caught in the rain up at the water tank and thunderstorms clapping above her. and yes, things has changed as well. i am no longer as shy as then.. and i guess she is enjoying her life even without the evening walks..

and there was this great accident that i had. i can recall the details clearly before the accident. it was right after my BM tuition, and i've just got myself a new pen to make a card. it was raining and i was soaked on my way back home. if only bicycles have roofs, i wont get soaked then. and when i was going downhill, i lost my brakes because of the rain. and i went all the way downhill. i was thinking to jump, i was looking for the right place to jump, i was trying to stop the bicycle with my feet. i was trying to take control of the situation. but i couldn't. all the way down, half a minute of fear, a split second of blackout, and i was lying face down on the other side of the drain, on the other side of the road, at the foot of the hill. my bike was smashed. but fortunately, very fortunately, i was unhurt. i no longer cycle.. i no longer buy stationery.. and i no longer make my own card..

singing in the rain, singing and the rain. most of us would joke about someone else's singing is so bad it would cause rain. i am quite used to that joke coz i just don't sing well, incomparable even to the toads. but lately, she told me something rather different. sing in the rain, and it helps to stop it. and she does it often. that really left a lasting impression on me. so whenever it rains, i would try my best to humm my favourite tune; but not because i want the rain to end, because i trust her.

as much as the things i've been through with the rain has changed, i still remain the person i am. i do not wish for rain everyday. i just want to be reminded how my life was, once in a while. nobody would remember a day for its crystal clear weather. nobody would remember a day for its sunshine. but come a rainy day, it would create nostalgic, lasting memories.

the mask

2006-11-17T00:01:00.001+08:00

masking the sadness behind a smile,
hiding the feelings in a cold heart...

looking up searching for a rainbow,
but all i feel is raindrops on my head...

masking the disappointment with a smile,
hiding the tears in laughter...

looking at you hoping you'd realize,
but all i see is you, wrapped in your guy's arms...

a child?

2006-11-16T09:30:00.000+08:00

i realize that he's exactly like a child. whenever he doesn't get things his way, he gets all so worked up and moody. like a child, throwing tantrum when he doesn't get his favourite candy. please be a lil bit more matured, will ya? you don't need to behave like a child to get what you want. coz in the end, you wouldn't have got it anyway.

don't

2006-11-14T10:11:00.000+08:00

why are you letting your emotions get hold of you? you've always been like this. can't you at least just once learn a lesson? don't sulk on your life. don't complain! don't let your day ruled by your moodiness and your freaking emotions! so what if they leave you behind? hey you have your own life! your life is not just about other people damn it! your life is about yourself, doing what you want, getting where you want! just stop all these nonsense and get back to your life alright?!?! enough is enough!

and please, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT!

it hurts... a great deal

2006-11-11T23:20:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't be in this current situation. as much as i like it, i hate myself for being in it. yes, i enjoy the heart pumping adrenaline rush. i enjoy that warm feeling inside. i enjoy the happiness that i get from it. i appreciate the way things are.

but i hate it when i get back and realize that things wouldn't come my way. i hate it coz i'm just a nobody instead of that particular somebody. i hate it when i can't have things my way. i hate it when i get disappointed at myself. i hate it when i couldn't do anything. and i hate it most when i need to pretend i'm fine with it!

just another moody weekend? i guess not. this is not just a mood swing or an emo weekend. this is something more than that.

my friend and her roomie

2006-11-07T08:11:00.000+08:00

my friend seems quite bothered with her room mate. the fact that they are best buddies since primary school doesn't make things easier. ironically, it worsens the situation. i don't quite know the details, but it's something about my friend being "betrayed" by her best friend.

i'm not taking any sides, coz, i have just seen one side of the coin. i haven't seen the other side, and if there's a chance, i'm really interested to know the other side of the story. things like these; being backstabbed, rumours being spread, untrue news being told; i don't see the point of it at the first place. what's the point anyway? if he's a friend of mine, the last thing i would wanna do is to spread news about him. what's the rationale behind her actions, i dunno. being a friend for more than ten years, i guess there's enough time to get to know a friend personally, no? it would be natural for them to have a mutual understanding about each other and respecting it, no? after all, ten years of a friendship is something hard to come by...

i think the name callings and backstabbing is totally uncalled for.

when friendship turns sour, this is what happens. i guess. i think i've been through those situation before. backstabbers and stuff. if i were to know about this problem of hers a few years back, i'll think it's a way serious problem. but now, i don't see it as a problem anymore. maybe i've been through it, and i've realized that they are just one tiny part of the world that we are seeing. i'll take it as a lesson to get to know that person better.

i hope things would be fine. coz it bothers me alot to see friendships turn sour..

who?

2006-10-21T17:24:00.000+08:00

what do you do when you are in pain?
i, i want someone to rub my back... to tell me everything will be fine tomorrow...

what do you do when you need a companion?
i, i will think of the person who will comfort me...

what do you do when you are not in a mood for anything?
i, i will just lie on the bed, hoping that there'll be this special person beside me when i open my eyes later...

what do you do when you just want to have a friend to talk to?
i, i will just write it down, hoping that she will read it someday...

what do you do when you are unsure about who you are?
i, i will want someone to tell me i am who i am, and she appreciates me as much as herself...

who do you go to when you have all these questions?
i, i bottle it up and hope that one day, she'll open the bottle and provide me the answers...

a tiny bit of emo plus a tiny bit of hope...and a tiny bit of doubt...

perception of work

2006-10-20T12:17:00.000+08:00

i came to realize that i'm that type of worker who works, until the job for the day is completed. maybe this is just for the industrial training and i'm taking things lightly so i don't care much about the pay and overtime stuff. but the fact is, i want to complete the things before i go home.

to see the other colleagues, especially the permanent employees (the R&D engineers) work until way past office hour, i feel uneasy to leave without completing my job. hence my cubicle mates says that i'm hardworking and working overtime. the truth is, i just wanna finish my task.

and i can't understand how people do not give all they have in work. like in the teaching profession, some teachers who taught me before would just go into class and ask us to buat kerja sendiri. even worst, some would just buy MCs and don't go to school at all! i feel guilty whenever i'm free. it's like taking their pay without contributing anything. a parasite perhaps? but then again, maybe it's just for this indurstrial training period. maybe everyone is busy with their tasks and it's just not nice to slack off.

i hope i'll still be in one piece after this training. i can already feel the tension building. there had been just a new release, and there'll sure be alot of work to be done...

my life, as for now

2006-10-18T14:12:00.000+08:00

my industrial training (or most of them call it internship) has started and it's already the 3rd day. the environment opened my eyes, and showed me stuff i'd never realize. one thing that i take to heart is the friendliness of people when we are working together. it would normally take me a few weeks to start talking to strangers. but here, it took just a few minutes for my cubicle mate, rachel to make me open my mouth and start talking. the fact that we were classmates before did not help hasten the process, coz we hardly meet each other, we never smiled to each other, and i couldn't be much bothered bout everything else. anyway, opening up was quite easy (coming from an introvert of course) and things were going on well. seems like we have been friends since the first year of our course. i guess it's due to the fact that we are both on the same boat, as we, chinese like to put it.

the colleagues here are quite friendly, though i havent get to know all of them. my supervisor, chew, is a short guy, but when you see him, you'll know straight away that he's the leader of the department. he's not strict, nor is he fierce. he just has this leadership aura. as for vishnu, my first impression of him was he's the brains of the group. always hunching over his pc with programming windows always up. there are a few helpful fellas. lau, kok, lim.

and oh, i've realized that people would prefer to remember a short, very short name. examples are mentioned above; i.e chew, lau, kok, lim. hahah that's the first time i come across chinese people calling other by their surname, without the mister in front. and when it was my turn to introduce myself, one of them went "what? kenwhat?" and i have to really put all my oral skills to use and pronounce my name as clear as possible. and he goes, "do you have a shorter name so that i can remember?" rofl! i don't have a shorter name.. call it ego but i take pride on my long and hard to pronounce name. i should find a short name if really required. but for the time being, khengjin would be fine.

time really fly fast after the final exams. 2 days of weekend was wasted shopping. buying clothes for the training, and buying groceries to stock up in case i am too tired to go out this weekend. i doubt i'd wanna go out this weekend anyway. maybe on the raya holidays. perhaps then. but not this weekend.

an extra intern came in today, and she's a she. haha my classmate too. still not too familiar with her. anyway things are going fine as for now :) hope things will remain the same for the next few months.

the hair cut

2006-10-08T19:22:00.000+08:00

it cost me 30 ringgit for a hair cut. including the bus tickets to the barber. it took three days for the hair cut. no, it wasn't just a hair cut. it was my chance to take a break. it was a chance for me to relax. it was a chance for me to meet up with my friends.

it was more than a haircut. it was an excuse for me to go back home :) being home was really nice when i needed a break. furthermore, my mom was busy making mooncakes to sell, needless to say i have loads of mooncakes. i wanted to help and i did help a lil bit. but i feel that i didn't help enough. i think it is really taxing for my mom.. but what to do.. i was home just a few days before the celebration.

anyway, it was a nice trip home, and an awkward trip back to kl :p but it was fun. so.. i'm looking forward to my next break, which is, erm... four months away? man...

my mom does not actually sell mooncakes. she makes according to orders :) that's how she puts it :p

falling

2006-09-30T02:06:00.000+08:00

under some circumstances, we might fall, and eventually pick ourselves up again.

"why do we fall master bruce? So that we might better learn to pick ourselves up." - alfred pennyworth

i've fallen again and again, and keep rising again and again. i've never learnt my lesson well. this time around, i cannot afford to fall anymore. i'll only disappoint myself, and prove to myself that my effort is a total waste.

i cannot afford to fall

a bed of roses, not.

2006-09-19T23:34:00.000+08:00

recently i got news about this friend of mine being in bad shape. i wanted to console him but that is just not what i do best. i'll leave the speaking to my writing. so here goes.

i think that life is not full of wines and roses. obstacles may come at the worst time, at the worst ocassion, at the worst situation, and we have to endure it. these are just part and parcel of life. you may say yea, you are in a bad condition. you may need surgery. but heck, it's better than the doctor saying, "i'm afraid there is no way we can heal you. you'll have to live with it. it either stays the same, or gets worst."

as small as it seems, hope for it being in the first stage, the second stage, or even the third stage. it is better than having an unknown complication, and nobody is able to do anything about it. so now you know what you are up against, seek medication, find means and ways to deal with it.

so, you'll have to spend alot on this. haven't you heard money can't buy happiness? money can't buy your health? cheer up and be grateful that at least, at the very least, your money is put into good use - for yourself, for your own health; not for anybody else.

i may not seem like i mean it, and i may not show what i personally feel. but i really hope that things get better. everything you are up against, it's just a small part of life. good luck.

what..

2006-09-10T20:43:00.000+08:00

what keeps you moving?

i wanna keep on moving, away from this stagnant life.

i have to move.

so please move!

stop sulking on your own life!

so their life is colourful..

but you can make your's a rainbow too!

emergency phonebook

2006-09-10T00:57:00.000+08:00

when i need someone to be around, when i need company, when i really need to have a partner, but i can't find one, this is when i realize my life is short of that emergency phonebook.

i need an emergency phonebook now.

haha

2006-09-06T12:57:00.000+08:00

i've shown this many times but i still enjoy boasting about this.

EAT THIS YOU MINESWEEPERS!!!

my important circles

2006-09-03T22:24:00.000+08:00

circle 1
ht-cy-kt-gl

circle 2
ys-et-mc-kc-wl-wl-jw-ky-ks-km-tl-my-hb-yz-lp-ew-sw

circle 3
cw-al-wl-pm-ks-lh-yp-hm

circle 4
fx-wt-jh-yz-mk-sl-sr-lh-sh-eh-yy-ch-wh-ky-cz-cy-cw-yh-ls-ix-naz-rsk-
k-st-sg-ky-ky-lw-jj-kl-hk-py

meeting up at home

2006-09-02T23:11:00.000+08:00

it took me a day to decide that i will not be going home for the weekend. but it took me only a minute to change my mind. and i'm not at all regretting my decision. it was nice going home meeting up with my friends. friends which i've lost contact with for so long.

meeting up with them was just nostalgic. it's nice to talk the moment we meet. somehow or other it seems like our conversation have been left hanging, waiting for us to continue on when we meet. a few of them were home, and that was the main reason i changed my mind. makan sessions, lim teh sessions, basketball sessions, those were the bonding sessions i'd say. even though everyone has changed, but we still remain friends after so long an absence. sitting down and talk as if the shop belongs to us, as loud as we want, any topic as we please, it was just so nice. it's good to know that they went to thailand to see "paradise" and "nirvana". it's pretty funny to see a friend who is "high" (drunk in this case). it's nice to know that they are still together after so long apart. and the other pair is still in the midst of patching things up. it's news to me that "sun wu kong" has a girl (rofl rofl!!!) and everyone is getting fatter everytime we meet up. and not forgetting, i'm glad to know that everyone is fine despite the ups and downs of life.

and yes, i really needed the break. thank you jw, cs, km, mr soo, my, tl, yz and friends.

loneliness again and again

2006-08-20T13:48:00.000+08:00

being alone is not being negative. it's simply having time for yourself. how can you find what you really want among a sea of thoughts when people are around you? step back, do what you want :)

phase n

2006-08-20T13:47:00.000+08:00

we go through alot of phases in life. enjoy every phase, a turn of event might not be as bad as we think. get out from your comfort zone and try new stuff. things will turn out fine eventually :)

a bed of roses

2006-08-18T21:21:00.000+08:00

life is not a bed of roses. we have to face the ups and downs.

messed

2006-08-13T00:01:00.000+08:00

my place is getting all messed up. i need to clean it up. to delete this, and start a new chapter would be very easy but i choose not to. i'll need to clean this place up. no more mess. no more rubbish and grumbles.

my future

2006-07-25T22:00:00.000+08:00

i've been thinking alot about my future. things i wanna do, and things that i have to do to achieve it. i've been searching, and for once i found the thing that i wanna do, and i'm trying to put my energy in it.

the thing is, i can't really put any direct effort to achieve it. it's not something that i can reach for now. i have no idea where to put my effort. the least i know is it needs a degree. so there's where i am putting my energy into. i wanna achieve my dream, for once.

i don't wanna go green eyed whenever i see people achieve what they want. i don't wanna be envy when people get what they want. i am going to be one of those who will reach out, and grab a handful of stars.

it's never too late to start. my qualification is slightly inadequate, and i'm going to improve on it. no more playing, no more fooling around. this i can do.

but as for soft skills, i am unsure how to start. i'm doing my best with being a lil bit friendlier, and try to lighten up as much as possible. i don't want this big thing to slip out of my hand just like that. there is alot of room for improvement, and i need to improve.

i don't want to depend on people for comfort nor support. this road, i have to travel myself. i have my own feet to stand on, and i have my own shoulders to carry the responsibility. from now on, i have a dream. i have an ambition. and i want to work towards it.

screwed.

2006-03-20T18:23:00.000+08:00

everything i have is falling apart. my tennis shoes, my walking shoes, my cellular phone, my pants, my blog, my emotions, my exams, my life. i can't seem to get things work out the way i want it to be.

"it's okay if everyone around you leave you behind. the important thing is you don't leave yourself behind" i'm trying very hard to carry on. but i can feel the tension building. everything i do isn't right. everything i try to do is a failure. i am falling even deeper into the pit i've been digging all these while. preparing my own grave, my own hell hole.

so stop. but it's easier said than done. stop digging, stop falling. pick yourself up, stand on your own feet again. do not depend on others. do not wish nor hope for a helping hand. for it may not be enough of a help rather than words of sympathy.

i'm into one of those days where everything seems wrong even though i've been trying my best to keep my emotions on check. i'm tired. tired of the weekendless week, tired of the trying to lead. tired of even trying. there'll be no break this semester, and i wonder what will happen of me towards the end of this semester.

the only place i find comfort is within myself. but it is getting harder and harder to reach in within. lifeless, souleless, drifting with time, not knowing where i'll end up.

left behind.

2006-02-23T10:23:00.000+08:00

i'm feeling quite awful these few days because of this feeling of being left behind. things are happening without me, and i feel left out. am i leaving myself out from the society, or is the society living me behind?

sometimes i just wish that i'm living this life for myself only. live the way i want, do things i want. but humans depend on each other whether we like it or not. i dunno... am i being left behind? or i choose to be left behind? i don't wish i'll be alone. but i think loneliness is a bit kinder to me compared to being left behind. argh... what the hell...

a season for reflection

2006-02-06T23:05:00.000+08:00

the first day of chinese new year was about a week ago. people are supposed to be happy, ushering the new year of the lunar calendar. but most of us greet people with 'get rich' greetings. it's not inapropriate, but i see the new year as a much more important event. i heard that only a few countries actually greet people with 恭喜发财. namely hong kong, singapore, and malaysia. i think it's mainly due to the influence we get from hong kong. anyway, that's not the main reason for this post.

the main thing is, chinese new year seem to be a season where i reflect on my life. it's quite a sad season for me. seeing people growing, seeing people do what they want, i'll wander off in my own thoughts. the first thing i saw was the chances people got. alot of people get what they want. they have the chance which i crave to have. they have the opportunity to go great heights. they are successful in their own ways. they are great in their ways. some are making good money, some are going overseas for their studies. many don't have to worry bout their life i guess. but as for me, i'm unsure where i'm heading. i'm not sure where i am going with all these. the burden is quite heavy. but i'm not complaining. but when i see people walking on without burden, i start to think of my heavy burden. i begin to realize the chances which i never had, the opportunity which i long to have, but never came. the happiness that i crave for, but never satisfied. the hunger for answers, but the questions are always left unanswered.

happy life or not, this is my life. i'm no whiner. i'm just doing my job, and trying to complete it the best i can.

lastly, 新年快乐，新春快乐! hope everyone will have a healthy, happy, bright year this year.

welcome back

2005-12-17T18:44:00.000+08:00

it's amazing how time flies. it's been so long since i last posted, not because i am thoughtless, but the dullness and moodiness had taken it's toll on me. for the past few months, the only place i find comfort is there and there alone :p nowhere else.

first things first. reason of absence: laziness. yeps. i've always been thinking bout stuff but i'm just too lazy to type it down. so a recap of things which i've spent some time thinking. friends, are they merely friends by name, or do they really understand their friends? why did i take the trouble to open up to people when they are bound to be defensive sooner or later?

how to make things work? it's never easy to make things work. things which i wanna do, and things which i can do are really different. low self esteem and/or low self confidence perhaps? others make things look so easy (here goes the comparison again). a trip to overseas seem to easy to plan. but when i wanna plan a trip just somewhere near, it seem so hard. hotel reservations, money, time, money, moods, money, activities, money, food, money, companies, money, transportations, money, money and more money. but to those who own a car, a trip to where i wanna go seem so easy. they can even make it a one day trip! but for me...looks like i have to plan better... look into every single detail, make sure things work, time spent there is just enough, not too long, not too short, enjoyable, pleasurable. hard work.

then, there was this issue about people around me. there are many levels of friendship that i've came across. classmates whom i can share everything with, hi bye classmates, hi bye friends, friends whom i can talk without feeling awkward, friends whom i can never talk to, friends who understands, friends who don't understand, friends that i can open up to, friends that i must never open up to, etc etc. then there was this issue about two headed friends, two timers, selfish, people who are never considerate, people who take advantage of the weak. lots of people i've seen and heard, only a handful are my friends. anti social? nah... not that. i was labelled anti social for the wrong reason, at the wrong time. screw it.

studies was another concern somewhere down the line. there were times i rushed, and managed to finish work. there were times i never rush, but i still manage to finish it last minute. there were times i was happy with my effort, and sometimes not. my achievements this far is not something i am proud of. so there was this period when i was thinking about walking the correct road. but then, i've already made the choice, so i decided not to think bout it anymore. finish my studies, get the job done, do what i want.

death. the death of someone made me ponder bout the deaths of people around that will come in time. life is uncertain, but once a life is born, death is certain. 100%, no escape. so i was told not to think so much about this a few years back. and when i was small, i used to get really really sad when i think bout death. but now, i'm thinking of how to deal with the loss, how to compensate for the loss. yea, cross the bridge when i come to it.. but it's just something i think. what would i do if someone i care for die just like that? how can i cope if someone really close to me just leave? what would be the answers to the questions i've never asked? how would they be remembered? i still get sad whenever i think about death.. so it's something i would never wanna discuss with.

do unto others if you want others to do unto you. i still believe in it even though i have been proven wrong once too often...

those were my thoughts for the past few months. some, i've stopped thinking. while some, i'm still thinking. i'm not looking for answers, i'm just looking at the situation...

welcome back, those who are still here. and welcome, to those who are new :)

time

2005-09-17T18:13:00.000+08:00

time is a luxury that i've been wasting alot. but there are things which i've done and i'm happy of it. things which not many people wanna do, not many people wanna put the effort into. anyway, i think this is a short post, just to tell everyone who frequent this page (i guess not many people anyway) that i'm still around. no, i'm not giving up blogging, but for the past few months, i have some problems with setting my priority right, and doing the right things at the right time. i'll post more after i've settled some stuff. cheers people.

harsh words

2005-07-20T08:35:00.000+08:00

"We cannot beg someone to stay if they want to leave and be with someone else. We have to admit that love doesn't give us the license to own a person. This is what love means...sacrifice" - unknown.

definations for emotions.

2005-07-19T22:51:00.000+08:00

AFFECTION

A tender feeling toward another; fondness.
A positive feeling of liking.

APART

Away from another or others.
Set apart; isolated.
Remote and separate physically or socially.

DEJECTED

To lower the spirits of; dishearten.

LONELY

Without companions; lone.
Characterized by aloneness; solitary.
Dejected by the awareness of being alone.

LONGING

To have an earnest, heartfelt desire, especially for something beyond reach.

LOVE

A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
To have a deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward (a person).
To have a feeling of intense desire and attraction toward (a person).
To like or desire enthusiastically.
To experience deep affection or intense desire for another.

MISS

To fail to hit, reach, catch, meet, or otherwise make contact with.
To fail to accomplish, achieve, or attain (a goal).
To discover the absence or loss of.
To feel the lack or loss of.

MOODY

Subject to periods of depression; sulky.
Expressive of a mood, especially a sullen or gloomy mood.

FUCKED UP

Completely messed up or mishandled; botched.
Badly damaged or injured.
snarled or stalled in complete confusion

here without you, again.

2005-07-19T22:46:00.000+08:00

i'm listening to this song again for the umptenth time. i don't mind. i'm not bored. i'm enjoying it. suits my mood now.

maybe

2005-07-19T22:33:00.000+08:00

i've missed her for the past few days,
maybe she just didn't know.

i've been waiting for her phonecall,
maybe she's busy.

i've tried to get through to her,
maybe she's too worked up with her stuff.

i've been thinking about her,
maybe she didn't realize it.

i'm longing to talk to her,
maybe she has stuff to catch up with.

i'm desperate to meet her,
maybe she wants to meet someone else.

i love her.
but maybe...

the world of what if's

2005-07-16T12:33:00.000+08:00

we live in a world made up of what if's. (at least i live in that world, if not you guys :p) we'll think too much once that 'what if' question pops up. it's always the same. people will start to think about better choices, the road taken, the road not taken and things like that. sometimes we just can't stop ourselves for having such thoughts.

there was this one person who talked to me last night and there were a lot of what if's, i wish's and i hope's. it's normal to be afraid to decide on something. sometimes we'll regret making that decision, and sometimes we'll regret on not making the right decision. after last night, i realized how much worries i'm giving myself. i am slowly learning, to do things i want. to smile to people i want. to make trips i want. to be who i want. i'll slowly cut down the what if's. if i want to do something, i'll do it. if i want to eat something, i'll eat. if i want to go somewhere, i'll go. no more what if's for me :) i feel life would be more meaningful like that. yes, risks are much higher, but then again, we live in a world of risks and uncertainty. everything is predictable except the human world. so why worry? the moment we wake up in the morning, the greatest risk have been taken; to live the day. even if we do not wake up and lie on the bed the whole day, we are taking a risk too; to lose something important :)

things are not as serious as it sounds. it was just an overnight thought :p

at least...

2005-07-16T12:16:00.000+08:00

it was a nice trip. 8th to 10th july was trip i'll always remember...

it seems as if things are going so fast. suddenly i'm already in the 5th week of the new semester. yea.. things are going on pretty fast. very fast indeed. i need to slow down. but with the pace things are going on, i doubt i'll have a chance. not until the midterm break.

it's amazing how people can influence my own life. the most important people who influenced me is of course my family. somehow or other, they play a part in shaping my character today, if not less. then come friends. of course the people i hung out with during primary and secondary school are the closest people to me. influence me? they did. if not so, i won't be who i am today. an "anti-social" (the wrongly used term) anyway, they did influence me. for good or bad, i don't know. and i don't mind neither. it's already history. then there is this few people who really influenced me emotionally. i think i'm no longer important to them. i think i'm just a hi bye friend to them. but those few people really did shape my emotions.

so what about myself? does anyone even care about the character i have? or everyone is just looking for a friend for themselves? i mean it literally. finding a friend for themselves is finding a friend, altering him, so that the friend can be who he wants him to be. most of the time people are like that. they'll try to change things they don't like to suit them. that's not a bad thing to do. but it's really degrading the person being "changed or altered" it's like a master and a slave. not friends. you see, people have their own personalities. friendship is a two way chemistry. we cant force someone to change just to suit ourselves. acceptance. that's one thing people don't have. everyone have their own weaknesses and strength. that makes everyone unique. so if you influence your circle of friends to change their personality, does that mean that everyone is the same? no uniqueness? equal? that won't happen. acceptance.

i'm not saying that everyone is altering others. just that things i've seen told me so. i hope i'm wrong. but i know there's someone who will appreciate me, at least :)

aburame shino?

2005-07-15T17:44:00.000+08:00

Which Naruto Character Are You?
Test by naruto - kun.com

hold on.

2005-07-05T09:31:00.000+08:00

being true to oneself is easier said than done. how can you be what you want or who you want to be when everyone around you do not accept people who have a rather different personality compared to the society? it is not easy to be who we are nowadays, because people look down, stereotype, and discriminate others which they think have a rather different identity than those normally have. cruel world.

just because some of us do not share the same interest with the 'normal' people doesn't mean we are any way different from everyone. take leasure for example. some find relaxing just by hanging out in the house, listening to kenny g, humming by the tune. but some of course, would relax in pubs or clubs. so what will happen if both of these people are somewhat friends? someone would have to give, another, take. and what if one of them refuse to join the other once too often? deemed anti-social? the dominant ones in the click will of course, be the most socialable people, and the minority who share different interests, the anti-socials. the way people define 'anti-social' nowadays irritates me alot. anti-socials are those withdrawn to themselves, and it's a serious mental disorder, not those people who like to do stuff they enjoy.

to the minorities, hold on. believe. if we have to fight alone, then fight alone. but there are times where we need to interact. kenny g at home? of course, ask a friend or two over. those who share the same interests are better companions. we live in reality. somehow or other people are related to each other. we'll have to interact with everyone we come by. being alone all the time won't help much. but at times it will give us peace. instead of feeling uncomfortable with the situation, instead of feeling awkward in places you don't like, being who you are will definitely be a better idea. when you are alone, think of much worse situation you'll be in. the awkwardness... the 'speechlessness'... the uneasiness...

to those who label others anti-socials, please stop. yes, you have a greater social status than the others, but that doesn't mean you have the right to label wrong words on the wrong people. they may need your company at times, but not always. so hang out with people with your same interest, do not pretend.

the point is, being who you are and doing what you want matters most. we live our life. yes. but we don't live our life for the majorities. we don't live our life for the minorities. we don't live brushing people aside, and we don't live trying to influence people. be who you want. do what you want. i know the society is still too conservative to accept people who have different personalities, different interests, but we don't live our life for the society. we are part of the society.

the rush, again.

2005-07-04T12:27:00.000+08:00

suddenly i noticed that the 'blog rush' is back. everyone is starting to blog, or continuing their blog after a long absence. all thanks to friendster. people whom i never imagine will blog is blogging. well i didn't imagine myself blogging at first either. i was in that blog rush before, when blogging seem to be a place where people can do anything, and i coincidently i was longing for my own space. anyway, cheers to all bloggers. someone once told me, it's easy to start blogging nowadays, but it takes effort to maintain it. been through it, agreed.

a serious thought. it's hard to keep one's head when people around him don't have the same thinking. i have been through this too many a time, but i'm still going through this, again. well everyone seem to be more a spender nowadays, and it's so hard for me to be myself, to keep to my believes. imagine going to the same movie twice a week! and if anyone out there don't know what it's like to be in kl, food costs at least $10 per meal, transportation there at least $5 per trip, and the ticket around $5 for students. $20 all in all, but that doesn't cover other unplanned spending. set aside $20 for some other stuff. and that makes going out once $40. so twice a week, calculate yourself. i know some people who save their asses out to buy stuff they want, to do things they wanna do, and to go places they want. so call me stingy, but i'm saving for penang. but at the same time, it's so freaking hard to see them spend as easy as that while i, i have to muster all my will to save. just to complain about myself, i'm not accusing them of not saving :p

on a lighter note, there are loads of birthday celebrations this month. so happy birthday to all of you guys out there. especially those from taiping, but can't make it home for the celebration. happy birthday.

better...

2005-07-04T12:23:00.000+08:00

things are getting on okay, and i'm glad. it's not that the world is gonna end anyway :) life has never been so simple, easy going, and happy at the same time for me. but now it is! a situation that i'm proud to be in :)

things are fine, and i hope it'll continue be fine if not better. life is never fair. it is always cruel. but i hope this time around, life will be a lil bit kind to me :p

i've finally understood what went wrong, and i'm all geared up to make ammendments. i just hope i don't screw things up.

and i dream about you all the time.

here without you...

2005-06-28T19:05:00.000+08:00

she left me when i just found the courage to tell everyone about my love. the first month was nice... but to end the month like this isn't what i expected. so here i am, sad, devastated, without her, missing her..

she said i treat her best. i was the most caring boyfriend she ever had. i was willing to do anything for her and her friends were all jealous about her. but she had to end it even though it was a dream come true for me. to her, she felt guilty, for not loving me as much as i do. i don't mind. as long as she love me, more or less, i don't mind. then she said that she can't seem to get that elevated feeling... that happiness which i was feeling... that high which i was in... maybe i expressed myself too much until she felt that guilt... she only wanted to be fair to me. it was hard for me to accept, but hey, it is not the end of the world right... i feel that i still have a chance...

so what about those promises? we've planned so many things... the keychains we wanted to make... the photos we wanted to take in the studio... the celebrations we planned together... the trips for me to penang... i thought we were going strong... but it seems that i was blinded. i just can't understand why she wanted to leave me, since we have already planned so much. or rather why would she want to plan so much when she knew very well that she wanted to leave me? :( i'm really sad and confused, but for the time being, i just want to chill...

everything, since the beginning of the month, seem so unreal... seem so unbelieveable... i'll let things settle down... think about the past month... and carry on with my life as it used to be, lonely, longing, waiting for her.

i feared, it happened.

2005-06-27T23:33:00.000+08:00

so it happened today. nothing i could do to stop it... i am lame. fuck it.

insecure

2005-06-25T19:33:00.000+08:00

everytime i hear her voice, i feel as if i'm lifted up. my mood gets high, and i feel so nice talking to her. bad things seem to be okay, sadness become happiness, everything seem so nice when i talk to her, when i hear her voice, when i gets her attention. it's something i can't describe in words. it's something very meaningful to me, and something i want to hold on for as long as i can.

if someone were to ask me who i like most after all these years, i'd answer without doubt that it is the girl which i think of when it rains, the girl i think of when i see pizza, the girl i think of when i come across the word 'lame'. but if someone ask me now, who i like most, the only person which comes across my mind is the girl which i have searched for more than one year. the girl i've longed to be with since i first met her. the girl i'll always relate to mcD. the girl i've been ever so close with, the girl i've became so emotionally attached to. she is this special person which gave me this special feeling where i'll always feel special...

but lately, i fear one thing, she might leave me some day. insecurity perhaps? i trust her with all my heart. but it's the absence that worries me. i've always told myself that absence makes the heart grow fonder. but it seems so hard to hold on to what i believe. i want to believe. but it's sad that i want to be with her right now, at this very moment... i want to assure her that she's the girl i like most. things seem so hard for me. i've been worrying myself too much. worried sick. sick worrying. i dunno.

i really hope, really wish, really pray that she'll be beside me no matter what happens for as long as time lives...love ya.

2 weeks later...

2005-06-21T22:49:00.000+08:00

yea, school just reopened, and guess what? only one morning class on friday!! what else? up north again, but this time, a 5 hour journey. but it was worth the time!!!

it's so nice to see her again!!! after two dull weeks, i saw her again!!! this time, the trip was seriously rushed!! went there on friday, came back on saturday!! and time really flew freaking fast!!! before i know it, i'm already back here in this dull, lifeless, meaningless place again!!!

well this time, things are more organized... i am more comfortable with her company. but i'm still a bit awkward with some situations... but i'm sure i'll handle it well! :) for her i will! :)

friday was a very short day, only a few hours left when i reached there. then saturday was okay, but i still feel i should stay a day more... but i had some stuff to do back here, which i can't avoid... so had to come back on saturday... i am already missing her... when will my next trip be? i hope it'll be sometime soon... :(

i have already waited for so long, and i'm so glad i've finally found you. i want to be with you as long as time will ever live...

2nd & 3rd june

2005-06-21T22:44:00.000+08:00

i made an hour journey up north from home to look for someone. i missed her for a week before i could see her again... and things turned out well... i was so happy to meet her again!!! my heart was flying, and i swear my heart missed a few beats when i saw her again, walking down that overhead bridge.. she was as pretty as i imagined. i would not forget her.. no no... won't forget her...

i spent the day there with her... it was nice... really nice... what else can i ask for when i'm with the person i want to be with? :) it was heaven...

but things ended so fast!!! :( i didn't want it to end... i can't bear the seperation again!!! :(

the three days i felt important

2005-05-28T09:02:00.000+08:00

it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved before. a point proven in my life, agreed.

for the past two days of my life, i felt extremely happy. not just happy, but all those nice, funny, familiar, forgotten feelings. 26th may was a very meaningful day to me. to have a relationship with someone i've waited for so long was (is) more than rewarding. to be in her arms when everything i did before was longing was more than comforting. to have her by my side was a lot more than happiness. and her, listening to my heartbeat proved that everything which happened three days ago was not a dream. it was a dream come true.

i won't go into details, but i was, am, and will be happy :) i can't stop blushing, i can't stop loving, i can't stop caring :)

stay away from me.

2005-04-09T18:13:00.000+08:00

i'll change the song whenever you hum to the song i'm listening to. i'll get irritated whenever you come near me. i'll give you only short answers whenever you talk to me. i'll try to piss you off whenever you piss me off. i'll walk my own way when the crowd is walking with you. i'll refuse every request of your's. i will limit my life from you. stay away from me. the more i see you the more irritated i get.

:)

that's what i feel about one particular person for now. things change very seriously freaking fast. it's not that i don't care about people. but the more i care about people, the more useless i feel for myself. charity starts at home. care for myself before i care for others.

bitch.

granted

2005-03-29T12:37:00.000+08:00

11th floor. midnight. gaming. who is shaking my chair?!?! please stop! the curtains are shaking, my housemate's table is shaking. everything is. tremors.

when i started feeling the tremors last night, i felt curious, and i wanted to stay on a little bit longer. it's something we don't experience every day. i was amused by the trembling and shaking and the 'unstableness'. now that i think back, i was taking my life for granted. the thing which amused me may cause my death. it's like having this split second of euphoria when driving at high speed and wham! crashed, die on the spot. it was really exciting to feel the building shake, but then again, i took my life for granted. i thought things will be safe and nobody ever thought that the building will collapse (it never did though). i could have died experiencing the moment of high. anything could happen at that time. stupid me.

when i realized how serious the situation was, we started rushing out of the house, to the ground floor. at that time while descending the stairs, the only thing in my mind was: I DON'T WANNA DIE THIS WAY! ANYWAY BUT THIS! in the end, we had to wait for a few hours for things to clear up. the fire brigade, the police. things settled down pretty well. so that's my first experience of a teeny weeny earthquake. i wonder how the real one would be...

i wasn't the only one taking life for granted. almost all of us, malaysians, take our safety for granted. people taking their own sweet time smoking, putting their best effort to look good before coming down, taking their own sweet time walking down. it's not our fault though. we were only trained for fire drills. from kindergarden until secondary school, we only had fire drills. for 12 years, i have been nurtured to think that only fire is dangerous. we only practised on fire drills. no precaution taken on tremors and earthquake. maybe because of that, i thought that everything will be fine when i first felt the tremors. hey, it's just a tremor, not a fire... but no, things are more serious than what we, malaysian students know.

i think from now on, 12 years of fire drills and fire drills alone won't be adequate. we'll have to prepare for tremors, earthquakes, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, and god knows what next natural disaster. when these things happen, only one thing can be in our mind - fear. not amuse, not curious, not anything except fear. do not take life lightly.

as an ending note, i really enjoyed that feeling! it was like once in a lifetime experience! (i won't wanna feel it anymore!!) but it's really nice. the split second of high and adrenaline rush was seriously fun! :p

time

2005-03-23T23:52:00.000+08:00

ages ago, one wise fella once said "time is just an illusion". i want to believe in him. i want to believe that time is really just an illusion. but when i read back my previous posts, time really had gone by.
procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. my all time favourite qoute :p that's the only way i console myself for this bad attitude of mine. but anyway, those few sentence aren't what i really wanna post about.

i feel sick. yes, sick. sick and tired of all these things going around me. i've just finished all those assignments and tests, and yet again i didn't do well. no matter how hard i try, how hebat i am, i just cannot be what i want. i still believe people live with either their brains or luck. and i, am still living with luck :( i hope these luck won't run off... but i won't mind running out of luck when i have the brains! :p

home sweet home eh? home supposed to be sweet. but nowadays i dont like coming back. this is just a house, not a home. surrounded by four damned walls. i don't like a lot of things going around in this house. neither of them concern me. i just don't like. i hate.

i find comfort among my friends. ironically, i find trouble among my friends too. sometimes things happen for reasons that nobody would know. and i get pissed off whenever i don't get an explanation. i would really prefer being happy with my friends. i'm trying hard, real hard.

i guess the road ahead won't be a smooth one for me. i am just hoping for the best...

brains and luck

2005-02-26T21:58:00.000+08:00

i've realized that people live life with either their brains or with life.

for those who live with brains, they are those smart asses in class, those who know everything. they are intelligent, and they can make decision. smart in all aspects. intelligent fella who knows how to make decisions.

for those who live with luck, they are those who don't know what to do. they are sort of lost... clueless. they just live the day, and are being lucky that they got through everything during the day. exams passed with the help of luck. questions answered with luck. decisions made with the help of luck.

i'm belong to the latter group. i don't know anything. i have no aim. i sit for exam with pure luck. everytime i study, i feel that i didn't absorb anything at all. i never skip class. i attend all classes. but at the end of the day, i'm still not smart. i am a lucky person i'd say. i'm thankful luck had been helping me all these while.

but how long can i live my life with luck and only luck? if luck isn't at my side when i make a critical decision, there goes my life down the drain. what will happen if lady luck isn't smiling at me at the time i need it most? i want to live with brains. but i can't. it's lucky for me to get this far in my studies. if you were to ask me about my previous subjects, i can't answer you. if you ask me how to decide, i won't know. if you ask me to lead, i'll run away. it's pretty shitty to live like this. but i have no choice.

brains, luck. both are two totally different things. i wish, i hope, i pray that i can have both. but life is always cruel. i can't have the best of both world. i have to stick with luck for now until i am good at something. until i am really good at something.

i will be proud if i live life with brains. i want to be those who can lead a meaningful life. i want to me a knowledgeable person. i want to be intelligent. all i can do is try, try, and try harder.

absence

2005-02-19T16:05:00.000+08:00

it has been a long long time since i last logged in. studies, assignments, holidays, they all prevented me from logging in. well since now i have the chance, i'll make full use of the time :)

first thing first, studies. been getting on pretty ok i guess. but i am still procrastinating alot. procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday ;p sounds nice isn't it? things have been fine for me coz i haven't have any major tests since a month ago. i hope it will continue being fine! :)

holidays... it was nice. i thought i would have had the time to finish reading a story book, but no, i was very wrong indeed. it was the chinese new year holidays so things were pretty rush! only a week's holiday is surely not enough to celebrate the new year! remember that 10 years back, chinese new year and the year end break was together, so we had more time to do everything, from spring cleaning until the last major event in our house, the 8th night of the lunar new year. but no, not this time. i haven't even felt the new year mood and i am already back here. the first thing i did when i got home was clean, clean clean and more cleaning until the reunion dinner, then the reunion lunch at my mom's hometown, then another dinner at my uncle's place, and lastly one more dinner at my place. man it was busy, and tiring of course, rushing for all those things. but it was nice. at least nothing bad for me ;) but one thing i missed is the 8th night thingy. i was already back here at that time. that's what i say about short holidays!

all in all, the holidays were nice... it was nice to see everyone back home... it's nice to have the family environment (which i seldom feel here) and it's nice to be back to the place i feel safest - my home.

oh yea, before i forget, happy chinese new year to all! :)

drifter...

2005-01-30T16:16:00.000+08:00

i've been drifting along with life for a while now. that's why i haven't been posting for quite some time. i haven't been taking notes on things which happened for the past month coz i'm just too tired... too exhausted to carry on... so i'm drifting along... just following the flow... i don't get excited easily, i feel less emotions... but i get negative vibes from time to time... being a bit self centred, isolating myself for quite a bit... just feel too tired for everything... i'm sure this is no way to live but i like it that way for now... :)

questions

2005-01-30T16:10:00.000+08:00

during the past week, i got irritated by soime questions which were quite sarcastic to me. one of my friend asked me things which i think were taunting me. he questioned about the way i cook, the way i eat, the things i eat, and the things i do everyday. pissed me off big time. i mean that's the way i do things, and nobody can say what i do is wrong. there are more than one way to reach the moon... so why question things i do? i don't think the way i do things is wrong... coz i get what i want in the end anyway... it's like someone is questioning the way i do things... the things i do usually... and questions were brought up just because he doesn't do it that way? man this is very unfair... i hope i can get over this pissed off feeling soon... it is not helping me in any way at all!

share?

2005-01-23T15:49:00.000+08:00

i don't like to share. i'm not the type of person who can share everything with everybody else. in a way i am self-centred :) no, i don't like to lend and i hate borrowing. maybe those are the traits found in loners eh? :)

that irritates me alot and i feel pretty damn irritated now because of that. i just want my own space, my own privacy, my own stuff. i, me and myself.

the couple who cried

2005-01-08T17:13:00.000+08:00

i know, they wouldn't see this post at all. i doubt they know i have this blog. but anyway, this post is for my friend who was crying in the airport last night.

this is my favourite phrase, and i think it suites both of you well. absence makes the heart grow fonder, as long as you believe in each other :) i think both of you should be well more than happy for each other. one persuing his chance of a lifetime (i never get that chance at all, only false hopes) and the other, putting her patience, her will, her everything for that guy to test. quite a nice situation to be in right? :) who knows this turn of event will strengthen their relationship. or maybe this will lead to marriage? nobody knows for sure. but then i think both of you will be fine. i'm not that sure bout the girl (i hardly know her) but i'm sure bout the guy. things will be fine... you always get around well with your tight situations anyway... so no worries... :)

even though i didn't see it with my own eyes (i missed one show of a lifetime!! damn!) but i'm more than sure you cried after checking in!! sometimes it's hard to express our feelings to our parents, but it's easier to express our feelings to the one we 'love' right? :)

anyway, cry or not, i already have the impression that both of you cried through the phone :p i'll like to stick to my impression better than the fact you'll present me later on :p so this is one for you, and your girlfriend. may both of you be well together and apart :)

absence makes the heart grow fonder.

he left...

2005-01-08T15:29:00.000+08:00

drizzle, damp, cloudy, windy. yesterday was a nice day for someone to leave :) so he finally left last nite. quite a crowd in the airport... and the crowd wasn't totally strangers. there were quite a number of people i know... no, they weren't there to see me... they were seeing their friends off too.

that made me realize how close everyone of us is connected to one another one way or the other. friend's friends, friend's adversary, adversary's friend, adversary's adversary; any combination one can think of. the world seem so small when all these people gather for the same purpose... including me i guess...

so that was how he left for germany. he is one damn lucky guy i'd say. his friends and family were there for him. oh, not forgetting his girlfriend too. i can't deny the bottled up feelings stuck in my throat last nite. i envy this fella to the max :p but i'm quite contented with my life though. who won't be sad for an age old friend to leave for god-knows how long. on the other hand, i'm very happy he finally is on his way to germany. that means free holidays for me! :p

i guess his parents handled the situation well. i can see his dad was quite understanding even though he complains about his parents a few years back for not letting him do things he wanted to. i think they're okay with his girlfriend. and man i actually saw this awkward situation where his dad, his girlfriend, and he himself was in! :) quite proud to see that! it's not something which i can see everyday!! :p but come to think of it, i think his parents will sure miss him alot. the only son which they controlled for like 18 years have finally left for germany... but i don't think there'll be any parent who will let their children see their sadness :p

so this is one for all at the airport, have a nice journey, enjoy germany, and jangan malukan negara kita ya! :p

christmas, new year and in between

2005-01-02T10:15:00.000+08:00

the school holiday season will end very soon. just a few more days and everyone will be rushing back to their usual packed school and tuition schedule. christmas went by a week ago, and new year was just two days ago. both december 25th and january 1st didn't mean anything much to me. it was just another holiday and a long weekend for me.

i wouldn't see december 25th as a happy occasion anymore. not after i've read the da vinci's code. it revealed to me things which i have overlooked during history class!! and i do hope those stuff dan brown wrote about christianity is true! :) i am a racist now! :p and i don't see christian as such a holy religion anymore! lol! but anyway, i'm not really a fan of christ and jesus and the son of god... i'm just a fan of story books! nothing happened during christmas day. just hang out with my friends; not because it was christmas, because it was a holiday! :p

and the new year came not so nice this year. no celebrations (not that i celebrate it anyway), no fireworks (which i enjoy most!), no concerts, no nothing except for the special tv shows aired. and the new year is not an important date to me too! new year resolutions? what for? why put more constraints to my own life? make promises for the new year, do this for the new year, do that, blah blah blah... i don't care. cross the bridge when i come to it. life is already full of constraints and i don't want to add anymore new year resolutions to restrict myself :p

the reason why the new year celebration was so dull is because of the day between christmas and new year. december 26th. it was a bad day to talk about. but it have been the talk of the town until today. something that people will not forget easily i guess. september 11th, august 31st, july 4th, and now december 26th. a day of massacre. some stupid earthquake shook indonesia, and most of it's neighbouring country are affected. tidal waves was the greatest mass killer. the earthquake just did little damage, but the tidal waves took around 150k lives. yea, one hundred and fifty thousand! more than 50 times the death toll of september 11th. it is sad to celebrate the new year with so many deaths around... and victims lost their houses, belongings, relatives, family members... i wonder who would have the mood to celebrate new year...

well, that was a bad ending for the year. hope things will be fine this new year.

13-3-2-21-1-1-8-5

O, Draconian devil!

Oh, lame saint!

holidays and mirc

2004-12-18T19:45:00.000+08:00

it was nice for me to get to know new people... been onlining and chatting at night in irc. it was fun to know more people, to know their sadness and their happiness. somehow i think it's easier and more comfortable to relate something to a stranger. so irc was something i had back home... :) to chat and chat about anything...

there were these few people which i got to know in irc during the holidays... and i hope things will be fine for us because i think they are nice... pleasant and there is this comfort when chatting with them!!

holidays and friends

2004-12-18T19:33:00.000+08:00

this holiday was somewhat a bit different from my previous holidays. got to meet some of my closest friends. it is fun knowing that this fella is going to leave for germany soon. i really can't wait for him to fly off!! coz this fella actually promised that he will bear all the costs if i go over there to visit him! quite a nice deal eh? :p

there wasn't anything much besides that. all the other fellas were done enjoying their holidays when i got home. so i didn't met much friends back home. being the silent one among them, i enjoyed their company :) it's not easy to describe how i feel... it's some sort of gratitude that i have to them. some sort of appreciation. i dunno how to put it in words :p but it was fun... those yum char nights and chats i had.

and i planned to meet this friend of mine on my way back to kl. i wasn't sure about the plan because i didn't know how to get to her workplace and she was working at that time. of course the main reason for me to meet her is she is the first friend of mine which is already working. i just wanted to see how she is and some catching up. well, i found my way to her workplace alright. but it was so damn big i didn't even know which department she was working at that time. some 'front desk' thingy? i don't know what it actually meant so i looked at the front desks. nope, she wasn't there. couldn't get through her phone too... she was already working at the time i reached. so the only thing i gained from the trip was the knowledge to get to her workplace :p it's not a wasted trip! :p

so my time with my friends was very short. holidays and friends don't come together for me. stress and friends would go along fine :p holidays make me tired, lethargic, sien... so i seldom take the trouble to contact them during my holidays unless i wanna meet them... and stress reminds me bout my friends... to look for comfort from them :) that's how they do, and do not go together :p

holidays and family

2004-12-18T19:22:00.000+08:00

it was (and still is) very relaxing to be home. very soothing. it's nice to catch up with my family. somehow i met most of my aunts and uncles. not that i have much to talk with them but just meeting them is enough for me. and reunion of family members means makan, makan and more makan!! i was really stuffed like a pig back home. gained some extra kgs but i'm sure i can shed it off here.

i didn't know how much i miss my family until i went home... but one thing worrying me is the financial state of my family, and the tension between them. no, i'm not from a broken family but there ought to be some arguments and stuff like that... a lot of things going on at home and i hope things will be fine...

the only thing i did at home was clean, clean and clean more. i think i've done my spring cleaning (but i haven't clean my room yet!!) cleaned the house, everyday chores, as usual. i think i enjoyed it. at least i had a stress-free work :p and also some work for the school... yea... some paper works. it isn't exactly easy to be a teacher!

so, i had a great time seeing my family back home. even though i didn't say it, but i think they know how happy i was to be home, and how sad i was to come back here :p

back~

2004-12-18T19:17:00.000+08:00

it's been a whole three weeks... but i feel like i just went back yesterday... holidays wasn't enough for sure. somehow i feel that this break is far too short... but then i heard people whining and complaining about the 'long' holidays... heheh maybe they already enjoyed too much before the exams!!

so now that i'm back, more post will be coming up... i have to post everything up before my housemate comes back and regain control over his pc!

what next?

2004-11-29T08:54:00.000+08:00

the exam has finally end. a sigh of relief and relieve! but then i'm worried about my results. anyway, the exam is over, and i've already spent a few days accompanying my friend here. so i'll be back home for the holidays soon, very soon. so this will be my last post before i go back, and i'll be absent from blogging for quite a while because i don't have broadband at home. anyway there are a few issues which i wanna comment about before i go home.

i feel that the amount of effort put into studies is not really enough. damn! i say this every semester but i can't seem to get hold of myself and really go through that tortourous time studying :p i hope i'll put more time into studies this coming semester (i say that every semester too :p ) i think things will be fine if i study constantly... there won't be so much pressure and tension at the end...

about the exams, i really am irritated by some of the people who skip it just because they feel that they aren't prepared. i mean if the university allows us to take the exam at whenever time we want, then what's the point having and exam? i'm pissed of not because they skipped it, but the way they are treating the exam is like a "hey, i will take the exam whenever they want" thing. i'm not really sure what they have in mind, but i hope they really buy their mc. otherwise, i don't know what will happen to them.

on a lighter note, i've been accompanying this friend of mine for the first few days of holidays. no no i'm no gay (but i don't mind being one :p ) it's fun to just sit here and laze around, let time past, and the best part is i don't have to go through any emotions or things like that. i'm just enjoying every moment of my holidays. one thing i found out though... am i doing the right thing? every person has their own thinking, and i'm not sure whether i'm doing the right thing by accompanying him. maybe he likes privacy, maybe he likes people around, maybe he loves to be alone, maybe he has some other plans in store? i dunno. anyway, i'm not too worried bout this coz i'll be going back later! :)

to all those out there, once again, happy holidays if you are having one. enjoy it to the fullest! and if the holidays aren't really enjoyable, don't worry. mmu has a two months break at the end of next semester!!! and to those who have already started their new semester, please be jealous of us yea! we are on holidays!!!!! :)

absence of bloggers...

2004-11-25T13:13:00.000+08:00

i guess the exam heat is too hard for everyone to bear... every blogger which i know has stopped blogging... maybe everyone stopped blogging for this week... hope to hear more bout people out there this weekend! :)

exhausted

2004-11-21T15:14:00.000+08:00

finals is a few days away. that's why i haven't been blogging so often. i'm tired... not because of studying, but tired of forcing myself to study. it's hard when i feel i haven't put enough effort. it's hard when i feel i am not living up to my own expectations. it's hard when i get this uneasiness of exams...

on a lighter note, i've kept in touch with a long long friend of mine, vee. i just heard from her last night and it was really something i appreciate alot! it's like finding something i've lost a long long long time ago (she's been absent from my life for quite a while ady)

and for now, i don't really know what to do... study a bit? let's just see how far i can go...

uneasy...

2004-11-14T15:55:00.000+08:00

i am feeling quite a bit irritated after going through some webpages. it shown me how much people have changed throughout the years. it shown me how much people progress. it shown me how much people appreciate each other.

the only reason which makes me uneasy is, of course, comparison. when i go through those pages, i've been comparing. comparing myself, my life, with theirs, with what their friends say about them, with what they say about their friends. there will be no end to comparing, i know that. but i just can't help but compare.

everyone i know (knew is more accurate here) do not fit the image i had about them before. it's like they have progressed so much, they have changed so much. i think their dreams and hopes are slowly taking shape. everyone have so much to say about their friends. and everyone have so much to share about their friends. and what they say is really, seriously, totally different from what i have in mind. they are all being who they want, doing what they want, being where they want and taking the route they want, i guess.

so everyone i knew is totally a different person now. they've made so much progress during these few years. so many things are different. i really don't know how to communicate with them anymore. i'm like just being stagnant, being me, all the time, no progress, no nothing, just me. it's like i'm leaving myself behind. i once said that i won't care if everyone around me leave me behind, the most important thing is i go on myself, i take my own route. but now, it's like i'm leaving myself behind!

i haven't make any progress in my social skills. i haven't make any progress in my life, and i've became more and more forgetfull. i almost forgot my secondary school life. i almost forgot my friends back there. and i've totally forgot how primary school was. total blank. there are only vague, precious memory left about my past. i don't know why.

maybe it's not such a big deal. but i'm feeling kind of uneasy with all these. maybe i should stay out from those webpages. maybe it'll help me forget how badly i've left myself behind.

lost

2004-11-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

i have had a lot of things before in my life, and i've lost most of it all. keep reminding myself to appreciate the chance i have, to do what i want when the opportunity comes, but that never happened before...

fond memories

2004-11-09T13:44:00.000+08:00

a while ago, one of my closest friend, my, was online and asked me what will i write... seriously i don't know what to write... but fond memories came rushing back. i had the feeling that i was lingering around her house, chatting until way too late at night and i had to make up 'smart' excuses for my parents when i got home :p

it was really fun back then. even though i feel uneasy, guilty at first, in the end i guess things have gone the best possible the situation allowed :) too many things shared, too many gossips whispered, too many sarcasm exchanged, and not forgetting too many mosquitoes fed! :p and i really enjoyed it. it was like somewhere i can run freely (but sometimes i worry i might meet someone i feel guilty towards). it was (and still is) somewhere i can talk without worrying i might hurt people, coz i really don't know what to say to hurt this fella. one hell of a kind i'd say.

most of the time i'd just smile, laugh, listen to everything. i seldom do the talking, but i comment once in a while. the only thing i guess i'm more updated was about harry potter :p that was our interest back then, or at least mine :p but then i was always stopped when i wanna comment more on the latest book. not because she isn't interested, but because she was kinda lagging behind (due to the price of that damned book). but it was nice. to see emotions running freely...

but there was once i got this message that she was sad, wanted to talk, but i wasn't around town at that time. and up till today i still feel guilty. someone was counting on me, yet i couldn't make it. disappointed, eh? well, i share the same disappointment too, if not more.

yea... the fond and precious part was letting my emotions run freely. yea... people might not notice it, but small little things, small little details, lighten my day (or night :p ). my sincere gratitude to you. i guess you know why i'm thanking you. thanks loads.

group outings again?

2004-11-08T09:04:00.000+08:00

it was raining the last time i went out for dinner with my housemates and ex-housemates. i didn't really see the rain as a problem. the only problem i see was group outings, again. yea, i have to bear with all sorts of people.

i thought the dinner was fine, but i was wrong. soon after that, i heard that the bitch who shouted at me for no reason was totally pissed off about that dinner. it came to my notice that she was very unhappy about that dinner. because of the rain, that place was seriously cramped up. so we had to look, and i mean look hard, for a place to fit 15 people. but i was fine with it. hey, we have to look for a table whenever we go out right? so what's wrong with putting extra effort and look for a 15 seats place? and so we found a place, but apparently she didn't like that table because it was kinda damp. i don't know about her, but i was fine with it. it was the best we could find for 15 people! and so she was pissed off, etc etc, complaining to her housemates, etc etc.

well my point is, if she doesn't like to go there, why didn't she suggest a better place? why did she still go there? it was just a suggestion that we go there, and if she think she can find a better place, why didn't she say so? and unhappy about looking for seats? what the hell is she unhappy for? do we not need to find for seats everywhere else? even if we go to a luxurious restaurant we still need to look for a table that fits 15 people, so what's wrong with that? and what's with the complains AFTER the dinner? if she said something DURING the dinner then maybe we would have moved on to another place. and what's with the annoyed face? do we have to see THAT kind of face when we eat?

so that's another plus for not liking group outings. maybe i'd enjoy the company of 4 or 5 people, but not 15. and certainly she is not in the list for that 4 or 5 people. if you are so fussy, and you get pissed off because of what the majority do, i'm sorry, you are annoying me.

is it the weather or what?

2004-11-04T13:31:00.000+08:00

i don't know what happened to everyone during the week. maybe the weather is affecting everyone, which includes me. the sudden change of weather is not good for me i guess. nothing much to update coz i've been living with the flow for the last week. i didn't do anything special. no emotions involved. maybe i'm getting used to not chatting with her. maybe i'm getting used to leave things the way they are.

the only thing which happened the last week was my trip up to genting. it was only my second trip up there. but second doesn't really mean second. my first time there was way too long ago to remember. so i consider this the first time i've been there :) no, i'm not going to post about my adventures there. neither am i going to talk about those hot chicks. no, none of those. the trip up there made me realize something, there are lots of people around me, and if i am lonely, if i feel lonely, i should just open up, make some friends, get along, and no more loneliness. the warmth in genting is really shocking to me. so many people there... so many activities... so many happy faces. but i guess i choose to be this way. i choose not to open up. i guess that's what i want for now.

besides that, there weren't anymore emotions rush, adrenaline rush for me throughout the week. just going with the flow, nothing else.

group outing

2004-11-04T10:29:00.000+08:00

i don't like a group outing at all. i hate to wait everyone to be prepared to go out. i hate everyone to ask everyone else about our destination. i hate anyone who disagree with a suggestion but cannot come up with another better idea where to go. i hate the girls who are always so slow. i hate to sit in the car of people i am not fond of. i hate group outings.

people always react as if i've done something wrong by going out alone. i don't know why. i just enjoy being out alone. i don't have to care about where to go, what to eat, who to go with. it's just me, my decision, and me alone. i don't have to care about making the wrong choice because nobody else will complain. i don't need to get complaints for going to the wrong place or spending too much on something. it's just me. i do what i want. i go where i want, eat what i want, buy what i want. i just enjoy going out alone. i don't have to care what time to go back, i don't have to care how i go back. there are less constraints going out alone!

and i really don't understand why people seem to think that going out alone is a bad thing? is it really that bad? and what makes it look bad? it seem to be normal to me. am i weird or what? one thing i'd dare say, those who say going out alone is a bad thing, i can assure you that you are all wrong.

我爱的人。。。她已有了爱人。。。

2004-10-28T08:38:00.000+08:00

well, as the title shows, she found her mr right. it saddens me alot. i'm trying to be happy for her but i just can't. i'm lost. totally lost!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what am i supposed to do?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?

i've always told people that now isn't a right time to go through all these. i've always questioned people what are they trying to prove? i've always asked the purpose of them going through it. and now i'm into this myself. wtf?!?!? what's wrong with me?!?!?!?!?

anyway, it's not the end of the day. maybe i'll go for a dip, clear my mind. no high speed adventure this week...